if you had the opportunity to look into someone’s past before you came into the picture, would you go for it? your rational mind is telling you that they can’t be blamed for anything that happened, but your more irrational heart still aches a little. it’s not as much fun as you think it would be.
it was the angriest i’d been in a long time. i was so furious, i thought for sure that i would faint. i was so disgusted by cowardice that a whole day could go by without speaking, and i was totally fine with that. i felt that i had been not only put last to the one i put first, but that i had been thrown into the dirt, under the bus. i was so embarrassed and full of rage i could have killed him yesterday. it’s taken every bit of time until this very moment for me to mellow out as much as i have. i’m still a little bit in disbelief, but it did happen.
two months
eight weeks
fifty eight days
six long tuesdays
four weekends home
six days until i go back home
there is no way in a million years i could describe my experiences and feelings about these last two months away at college in one sitting. it’s so much different than i could have ever imagined. i can’t convey the genuine over all feeling about all this to anyone, not steve, not my mom, not my friends. not even myself. these brief periods of loneliness and discomfort settle over me like thick film some days, and other days i’m too busy to even notice.
my roommate told me that, on average, it takes a person about two months to adjust to a new living situation. so i told my weepy, homesick self to take a look at how i felt two months from then. so here i am, about two months after moving in.
there is definitely a huge difference in the laura who called mom sobbing from her car on august 21st and the laura who is typing this post on october 16th.
i never imagined how homesick i would be, how desperate i would become for my sense of normalcy. i experienced fears that had never crossed my mind growing up. i fought, and i am still fighting a very painful and difficult battle with myself every day.
i’ve learned incredible, life-altering lessons through this experience already. i have spent these last two months at the Father’s feet crying for His strength and proclaiming my full dependence on Him. i have never felt so weak and so desperate and so IN NEED OF HIM. through extensive time in His Word and in focused prayer, He reveals Himself to me daily, guiding every step i take.
there was no one i could confide in completely, no one who could possibly totally understand my struggle. i was very scared, and emotionally, very alone. only with God’s love have i been pulled out of my deepest sorrow and only with His might have my darkest battles been fought underneath the surface.
Proverbs 3:5-6 reads “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight”. It’s very difficult to see the good in the times when you’re hurting most, and you feel like the pain and loneliness will haunt you forever. i like the way charles f. stanley worded it, “He is working in ways unknown to us to bring goodness and hope out of each difficulty.” I know that I will emerge from this so much stronger than I came in to it. I can feel myself being fashioned for His glory and His kingdom. My hope and my life rests in the palm of His hand. He guides my steps and carries me when I am weak. Nothing outside of His perfect will can touch me. His plans are timed perfectly and great blessings will be brought from my present struggles.
so today, october 16th, i’m stronger than i was two months ago, but this battle isn’t over for me. i guess i’ll check back in on december 16th, the day i officially finish my first semester of my freshman year and head back home for christmas, to see how far i will have come by then.
until then though!
